Can't Look at the Stars
by missdallywinston
Summary: Ezra has died and Aria just doesn't know what to do with herself. She also doesn't know how to keep it together at his funeral. One Shot.


**(A/N:) This is just a little idea I had after listening to a bunch of sad songs and I hope you like it! I worked really hard on it! the song is stars by grace potter and the nocturnals. i highly suggest them! anyways please review!**

**btw, i literally sobbed while writing this so if you're a tender hearted Ezrian, grab the kleenex!**

* * *

_I lit a fire with the love you left behind_

_And it burned wild and crept up the mountain side_

It had been three full days. Roughly, it had been seventy four painful hours since Aria heard the flat beeping tone of the Grim Reaper of a heart monitoring device. It had been about four thousand, four hundred, and forty minutes since Aria's life flipped upside down and permanently remained shattered.

She hadn't eaten a speck of food. She hadn't showered and didn't even care that her hair was greasier than McDonald's French fries. The only reason she had changed was because her friends forced her to; they couldn't let Aria stay in blood stained couture.

But, as the days went on, not stopping for Aria, it was already time for everyone to dress up in black and pay their respects in a chapel. The very same chapel Aria and Ezra had shared their second real kiss. The funeral was mere hours away, but Aria couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. She hadn't found the strength ever since she came home from the hospital. She had ran straight up to her room, threw things around to let anger out while screaming, before finally sinking into bed and sobbing her eyes out. All through that, the ringing of the steady beep in her ears never stopped. It still hadn't.

She heard a knock on her door and answered with a raspy, "Come in." Her voice was cracked to hell from lack of hydration and how much she had screamed bloody murder in the course of the last few days.

Mike slowly opened the door and cautiously smiled. Byron and Mike had each tried once to get Aria to talk after what had happened. All she had done was weep quietly to herself and turn her back on her family, even though they were just trying to help. "Hey."

Aria sat up a little more and looked at her brother. She didn't say anything, though. Mike stepped towards her bed and sat at the foot of it. Last time he tried to talk to her, all he did was sit and watch her, waiting for her to make the first move. This time, Mike patted her leg and sighed. "Aria, I'm sorry… about what happened." Aria squeezed her eyes shut, trying to prevent more tears. Mike added, "You're going today, right?"

Aria wiped her eyes and nodded. "Yeah, I'm going. What time is it?"

Mike tapped his phone and glanced at the screen. "It's nine. What time does the funeral start?"

Aria gasped at the word funeral like it was the most repulsive word her ears ever heard. Then again, when it referred to Ezra's, it sort of was. "Uh, eleven."

Mike nodded. "Well, Hanna texted me. She wanted to know if you wanted her and the others to come over before the funeral to help you get ready."

"Stop saying funeral!" Aria screamed, breaking down for the millionth time. Mike winced and quickly muttered a few apologies. "I'm sorry, it's just-"

"I understand," Mike interrupted. "What do you want me to tell Hanna?"

Aria turned on her side and curled up, turning back on Mike. She was embarrassed by her actions, but didn't like being reminded that she had a funeral to attend every second. "I don't care," Aria mumbled. "Tell them what you want."

_I can't look at the stars  
They make me wonder where you are_

Fifteen minutes after Mike left her room, Spencer, Emily, and Hanna all walked in to the Montgomery household. Mike sat on the couch and pointed silently up to the stairs. Spencer nodded at him and led the others up the stairwell.

Aria could hear the clack of their heels and groaned at what was coming. Soon enough, all three of her best friends stood around her bed. "Hey," Hanna offered meekly.

Aria stayed facing the wall and blinked away tears. She felt the bed shift around her feet and glanced up at Emily at the end of the bed. Aria noticed her black dress and looked up to her other friends. Black dresses on both of them. Aria's lip trembled at the sight and she started tearing up. Emily scooted up closer to her friend and threw an arm around her. "Aria, it'll be okay. I know what you're going through, it'll be okay."

Aria would've screamed and exclaimed that she had no idea what she was going through, but knew it was a lie. Emily had lost two of her lovers, Maya and Alison, and witnessed Paige tied up and almost killed by a homicidal maniac. So Aria went with it and sobbed into her friend's arms.

Spencer and Hanna joined in and all the girls were huddled on her mattress. Though Aria was the only one sobbing her guts out, her friends also shed a few tears. They were close to Ezra, as well. Maybe not as close as Aria, but the bonds had still been shared.

After minutes of damp eyes, the girls parted and shared a communal sigh. Spencer looked down at the around the slightly trashed room and clenched her jaw. "Aria, you should probably start getting ready."

Aria pursed her lips and kept her focus on her scattered belongings around her floor. She wondered when she'd ever clean them up. Hanna's voice broke her out of her thoughts. "Aria, have you eaten at all?"

Aria furrowed her brow a little and thought about lying, but changed her mind. She shook her head slightly and Hanna clicked her tongue. "I'll go down and get you something."

Aria protested, "Hanna, I'm –"

"No," Emily interjected, "Hanna's right. You need to eat at least a protein bar or something."

Aria nodded as Emily and Hanna left the room. Spencer got up from leaning against the wall and sat down next to Aria. Spencer placed a hand over her and half-heartedly smiled. "Aria, I know this is hard. I know you're thinking that it's somehow it's your fault, but it's not. Aria, I promise it's not," Spencer cried. "I also know that going to this is going to be the last thing you want to do, but if you don't, you'll regret it. So, let's get you dressed and down to the church, okay?"

Aria let her tears fall and flew her arms around Spencer. Spencer reciprocated the embrace and stroked down Aria's tangled hair. Aria cried and yelled into Spencer's shoulder, repeating how much she missed him and how awful everything was. "Why did he have to die?" Aria bawled. "He said he wasn't ever going to leave me!"

Spencer was shocked at how upset she herself was about Ezra's death and it took everything in her being not to break down with Aria. "I don't know, Ar. I don't know."

_Stars, up on heaven's boulevard  
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far  
So I, I can't look at the stars._

It was ten thirty as the four girls stepped towards Rosewood's community church. Each girl was hit with eerie memories standing on the steps. This was where they got their first unison A message after Ali's funeral. Months and months later, they had gotten a similar one after Wilden's.

Each girl had also been here for Ian's funeral. The number of how many funerals they had to attend was actually grotesque. This was number four. Number four in the last two years. Not even mentioning the additional deaths of Maya, Garrett, and Lyndon.

Aria's breathing grew rigid at the sight of the double church doors and she felt faint, despite the few bits of granola bar in her stomach. Spencer hooked an arm in hers and guided her up the stairs, Emily and Hanna directly behind them.

The church was vacant and Ezra's casket wasn't even in the front yet. Aria sighed and stepped away from Spencer. "Um, I just have to… I have to do something really quick. I'll be okay."

Spencer was worried that she would either run out or try to find his body and start sobbing all over again. Spencer trusted her though and nodded. Aria nodded back and headed to the back of the church. She turned out the double doors into the church's backroom and made a left slowly. Spencer watched but them shrugged it off and sank into the pews with Hanna and Emily in toe.

_I followed your ashes into outer space  
I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place._

Aria felt tears drip down her cheeks as she stepped up the stairwell and looked out the grand window. Staring at the trees in the wind, she could almost feel Ezra beside her. But, she knew he wasn't there and that's what made her hurt all over again.

She flashbacked to all those years ago when he had swung her around and kissed her like she was the only girl in the world. She stroked the worn down wood of the wall and breathed in the old smell of the staircase. Aria felt her heart break all over again as she remembered the kiss. She started to cry again before hearing her name called from behind her. She spun around and spotted Wesley and Dianne, dressed in all black.

Aria stepped down the stairs and feeling the grasp of Ezra dissipate as she stepped toward his family. "Hello Wesley, Mrs. Fitzgerald."

Wesley and his mother said hello back and the three stood together solemnly. Dianne cleared her throat and said, "Aria, would you like to say a speech in the ceremony?"

Aria gasped and her hands shook. She didn't want to say no, but she knew if she had to step up and recite a eulogy, she would fall apart. Wesley sensed her hesitation and shrugged. "You don't have to, it's just that we figured…"

"I'll do it," Aria agreed. "I'm so sorry about, about Ezra."

Wesley sighed and whispered, "Likewise."

Aria let out a cry and quickly looked away. Dianne huffed and let a tear fall herself. Even though Dianne hadn't supported it and hated that her son had been with a student, she knew how much Ezra had loved Aria. She knew how heartbroken Aria must've been. Dianne knew that both her son and Aria pictured a life together after she graduated and that vision had now been shot to pieces.

"I have to talk to the funeral director," Dianne explained. "I'll see you shortly."

As Dianne exited, Wesley followed and Aria turned back to the main church section. She spotted her friends and realized quite a few others had poured in. She recognized Hardy leaning against a pew. She glanced at Toby and Paige talking to Spencer, Emily, and Hanna. Aria also saw Maggie and Malcolm sitting towards the back corner. If Aria wasn't so broken, she would have given the woman a real piece of mind for coming.

Aria felt someone tap her shoulder and jumped about a foot in the air. Turning, she realized it was her mother alongside Byron and Mike. Ella breathed out shakily before taking her daughter in her arms. Aria cried loudly into her mother's embrace, causing a few guests to turn. But Aria didn't care. The only thing Aria really cared about was that her soul mate was in some room nearby, cold and dead in a casket.

Aria pulled away and Ella wiped her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, sweetie." Aria looked away and to Mike and Byron. Mike looked timid and Byron looked remorseful, ashamed, and down trodden. Aria could see regret written all over her father's face. Regret for taking Aria away from Ezra and possible regret for taking jobs away from Ezra. Byron honestly felt terrible, and while he might not have been Ezra's biggest fan, he never ever wanted him to drop dead. He also didn't like seeing his only daughter heart broken and shattered.

Aria tore her gaze away from Byron just in time to see pall bearers dragging out Ezra's casket. To Aria's horror, it was an open casket. From where she was standing, she could only see the tip of Ezra's nose and slight silhouette of his features.

Aria made a whimper partially seeing him and felt her stomach plummet to the ground. Her whole body was shaking like a leaf as she walked slowly toward the coffin. She saw Dianne and Wesley individually pay respects before walking away and sinking into a pew. Aria stepped before the coffin and felt sick at the sight of Ezra. His skin was pale and his eyes were softly shut. She wailed and started crying softly.

Ezra had had such beautiful blue eyes. But once Aria saw his closed eyelids, she realized she'd never see the irises again. She clapped a hand over his mouth and looked at his pink closed lips. The lips she'd kissed billions of times. She had kissed his lips in the very building she was standing in. Aria wished that if she were to kiss his lips right now, that he would wake up and this would be gender reversed fantasy of Sleeping Beauty. But as Aria stared more at his head rested against the board of a coffin, she knew that that would never ever happen. She knew that he wouldn't ever wake up.

Aria breathed out shakily and moved her eyes downward. He was clothed in a nice suit with a plain white dress shirt. However, Aria noticed the tie the mortician had put on him and she felt the wind get knocked out of her. It was the tie she gave him before their first date. The tie he wore on the first day of their play production. The tie she had worn and seductively teased him with while he monitored a makeup test. The tie that has symbolized so much in their hard crazy love affair.

Aria let out the loudest sob yet as she thought harder about the tie. She blubbered more and more before Spencer finally rushed to her side, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. Aria cried beside her and choked out, "The tie. It's the tie."

Spencer realized what she was talking about and bit her lip. Ari pulled herself together slightly and ripped her body from Spencer's. Aria gradually bent down and placed a kiss on Ezra's forehead; Ezra had kissed her forehead so many times that it only felt right for Aria to reciprocate just this once.

She gulped and pulled away from Ezra's body and stumbled backward into the aisle. She sat on the front pew and sobbed into her hands. Spencer just stood and watched, to pained to move, as her own heart broke.

_All those times we looked up at the sky  
Looking out so far, it felt like we could fly_

The funeral had progressed and Dianne, Wesley, and Hardy had each given a eulogy, speaking about how great Ezra was and how he died too soon. Once Wesley sat down, Aria realized she was up and stood on unsteady feet. She stood behind the podium and faced all of Ezra's peers. Aria tried to keep herself together on the stand. She had given a eulogy type speech at Ali's memorial, a pretty good one at that, so Aria encouraged herself and repeated that she could do this in her head.

"Some of you here knew Ezra for years and years. While I only knew him for two, he was absolutely my missing piece. I'm so grateful for those two years I got with him. Ezra could always make you feel better about yourself, whether it was something silly or something really important. He'd give you the courage you needed and said what you needed to hear. He was always so caring and gentle. He never put himself before anyone. Be it family members or friends or… me." Aria's voice cracked and she wiped away tears with the side of her index finger. "Um, he had so much to live for. So many things before him and the fact he doesn't get that, it's heartbreaking. It just is… it's heartbreaking. But I know if he was here, he'd hate all these people crying over him. He hated crying."

Aria flashed to the few times she had seen him cry and started breathing heavily while tears fell. She took a deep breath after a few moments and breathed in steadily. "Anyway, I guess I'm saying that we need to celebrate how wonderful he was before he, before he died. That's what he would want."

Aria practically ran from the podium and shut her eyes while passing the coffin. She fell into the pew and hung her head low, silently sobbing. Ella rubbed her back and whispered, "That was very nice Aria. Very nice."

A few moments passed as the preacher said a few more words. Aria caught a glimpse of pall bearers moving toward the casket and Aria jumped from her seat, running to Ezra's mother.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald?" Aria asked.

Dianne wiped her eyes and looked at Aria. "Yes?"

"Can I –" Aria stuttered, "Can I bury something with him?"

Dianne sighed inwardly and Wesley interjected, "Yes. You can."

Aria nodded at Ezra's family and moved back to the casket. She bit her lip at the sight of him once more and let more tears fall. She reached into her sweater pocket and pulled out two things. One was a sleek piece of paper, one edge ripped. It was the printed page of B-26. She had ripped it out from the poetry book. She folded it nicely and stuck in the side of the coffin, gasping at accidentally bumping his arm. She would never touch that arm again.

The second thing was a picture of her and him she had taken months ago. She tucked the photograph next to the poem and sighed, feeling a smidgen of closure. Aria ran her fingertip over the tie and swallowed the lump in her throat. She kissed his forehead once more before whispering, "I love you, Ezra. Forever."

She stepped away and the pall bearers moved in. They shut the upper part of the casket and Aria let out a sob seeing his body disappear. The image of him was gone just like that. Just in an instant.

_And now I'm all alone in the dark of night  
And the moon is shining, but I can't see the light._

All of the guests had moved from the chapel and were now standing before a fresh headstone.

_In loving memory of Ezra S. Fitz_

_1987 – 2013_

_Loved by family, cherished by friends._

_Death takes the good, too good to stay. And leaves the bad, too bad to take away._

Aria almost laughed at the quote. Ezra, single handedly, the one amazing person she'd ever met was about to be six feet under, while horrible people like CeCe and Noel Kahn were still out there with perfect health.

The preacher prayed some more as the coffin was lowered into the ground. Aria stood between Wesley and Dianne, watching the coffin slowly but surely go downward. Aria's right hand was pulled behind her and Hanna clutched it from behind, giving silent comfort.

Aria had zoned out but then she saw Dianne and Wesley bend forward. Aria dropped Hanna hand and grabbed a handful of dirt. She tossed it onto Ezra's coffin, tears streaming down her face as she stood there with his family.

She dusted off her hands and was eerily reminded of Ian's funeral. Aria knew that Ian's grave was only meters away and Alison's headstone was, as well. Aria was queasy knowing that Ezra now joined the list of graves she knew the location of.

And just like that, Ezra's body and coffin were six feet under, dirt scattered along the top like sprinkles on a birthday cake. The attendees of the funeral were all dispersing, even Ezra's family, but not Aria. She stood there in front of the ditch dug specifically for Ezra's corpse. The preacher stepped toward her and rested a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry for your loss, but he's in a better place."

Aria fought back a snicker. The best place for Ezra was in her arms, his lips on her own. The preacher continued, "I'll let you be alone, but don't stay too long."

Aria nodded and looked down into the deep grave. Once she was alone, she felt safe enough to start crying. It wasn't a frantic cry like before, but a soft whine. Aria blew a kiss into the grave and sighed. She looked out onto the other graves before back to Ezra's.

"Ezra, I'm going to miss you so much," she whimpered. "I don't know what I'll do without you. I love you so much and, just because you're gone, you'll always be in my heart. I won't ever get over you, Ezra. I'm so sorry about what happened. I'm so, _so_ sorry. I'll love you forever, Fitz. Don't forget about me up there." Her throat dried and she blinked tears away. She picked up another handful of dirt and sprinkled it on his coffin once again. She let out a heavy hearted sigh before wiping her hands on the skirt of her dress. "I love you, Ezra. Goodbye."

She backed away from his grave and headstone and turned on her heel. Aria didn't know when and if her heart would ever heal. She didn't know if she'd ever love again. She didn't know if she would ever get closure regarding Ezra's death.

But she did know that those years with Ezra couldn't disappear like his corpse had. They would always be with her, always. She did know that, even though he was gone, he'd always love her unconditionally. And she would always love him. She knew that with eventual help from her friends and possible therapy due to the effect Ezra would always have over her, she would be able to deal with the pain of everything.

But she knew that wouldn't happen anytime soon. Her current state was a broken doll and she didn't think she would be bandaged and healed in a few months, or possibly even a few years.

But the number one thing she knew, from turning her head around and looking over her shoulder, that she would never ever get over him. Aria felt like, along with the poem and photograph, she was buried with Ezra. Trapped six feet under with him by her side.

And at the moment, she wouldn't want to be anywhere but there.


End file.
